And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. From time to time I receive letters from my dear friends. This one moved me so much that I had to share this with everyone.

Dear Church Lady,

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Well, as women we find this kind of behavior typical for men. For some reason when men get lost they will not ask for directions. Who told them to do that? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo) This scenario is seen time and time again and men never seem to learn from their mistakes. We women must accept the fact that men are a lost cause.

It's a man thing.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Everyone has a role model. A role model is someone who you look up to and try to be more like, someone worthy of imitation. It is a person who serves as a model in a particular behavioral or social role for another person to emulate.

So who is your role model?



Try this without looking at the answers to see who is your role model.

1) Pick your favorite number between 1 - 9 .

2) Multiply by 3.

3) Add 3, then again multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....).

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number...

5) Add the digits together.





Now with that number scroll down to see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:







1. Einstein

2. Nelson Mandela

3. Michael Jackson

4. Hillary Clinton

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. Brad Pitt

8. Hitler

9. The Church Lady

10. Barack Obama






I know ... I just have that effect on people ... one day you too can be like me ... :-) Believe it!

Stop picking different numbers!

NOW CHANGE YOUR NAME IN NO. 9 AND SEND IT ON!!

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Summer is almost over and you know what that means . . . Sunday School! Yes, the most dreaded time of the year for most Sunday School teachers is coming and we must be prepared for all those little heathens and spawns of Satan that come in droves into our classrooms.

Alrighty, then. We can handle this. Since I have been teaching Sunday School for years, I will plan accordingly and be ready for any imminent disturbance or discipline problem that could arise in my classroom. My plan has been thoroughly tested over the years and has NEVER let me down in any way what so ever.

I know you are waiting on pins and needles to know how I can handle a room full of satanic brats with utmost authority and be in total control over all situations. Yes, indeedy. Well, what I use is simple, to the point, and very effective. Anyone can use it and become an expert with it in no time and produce satisfactory results. So what is this wonderful behavior tool? To immediately stop any behavior problems that might creep up in my classroom I always bring my Red Ryder BB gun to Sunday School. It is always loaded and within easy reach so I can whip it out within a moment’s notice to help any student make good behavior choices. Not only can my Red Ryder BB gun be used to deter any disciplinary actions with the students, it can also be used on any parents who get out of line (for example: parents who are late picking up their children because they have been to Super Wal-Mart shopping, parents who use Sunday School as FREE babysitting, etc.).

I am looking forward to another year of teaching Sunday School. Something tells me this is going to be a fun filled educational year!

(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I love my cats, but they tend to have liiiiiiiittle “accidents” that Mamma doesn’t like. No, indeedy. Don’t you just hate it when you find land mines all over the floor? My oldest cat sometimes leaves a little poop here and there and guess who usually steps in it barefoot? Well, isn't that special? And then there is the cat vomit where you least expect it. And for some unknown reason they cannot vomit on the laminate floors that covers every room in the house, but run to an area rug and do it there. Where do these cats get these wacky ideas? Where, oh where, oh where? Now, who could be telling them to do such things? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

I read somewhere that cats tend to vomit or poop on things due to stress which can be caused by mental or physical trauma. I have also heard that they may vomit or poop on their master’s things when they are mad at them.

Today I found vomit on my computer chair. I wonder what I did this time?

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Has your dinner time become rather boring? Does it seem like no one wants to eat? Does your family avoid dinner like the plague and you are all alone at the dinner table? It sounds like dinner time is in a rut. Well, isn’t this a news flash? How to combat this colossal dilemma that most face seems rather daunting to be sure, but I am determined to conquer this unbeatable foe and make dinner successful. Yes, indeedy!

I therefore hit numerous recipe books and websites and found a winner! Taco Lasagna. Everyone loves Tex Mex and the recipe looked easy so I fixed it for my wonderful family. I called my family to the table for dinner and presented the Taco Lasagna with absolute flourish. All I got from said family was, “What in the $%@* is this?” Something told me that my family was a liiiiiiiittle reluctant to try my new recipe so I took matters into my own hands, literally. I pulled out my trusty Red Ryder BB gun and cocked it. For some inexplicable reason my family wolfed down a serving and begged for more.







Moral to this story . . . always serve dinner with an appetizer.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. As you well know, hubby is the HOA president of our liiiiiiiittle subdivision. Being the president his responsibilities include presiding at all meetings of the Board of Directors, making sure that orders and resolutions of the Board are carried out, co-signing all checks, and making sure everyone is abiding by the Declaration. We recently had a property inspection and hubby had to notify the offenders that they were in violation of the Declaration and that they must correct these infractions within 30 days. Who told these homeowners they could neglect their homes and property making the whole neighborhood look bad and bring down property values in our subdivision? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo) When the homeowners bought their homes they signed the appropriate papers that they agreed to comply with the Declaration. Their homes are the biggest investments they will ever make and wouldn’t you think it prudent for them to preserve its value and maintain their property to protect their investment? It seems ridiculous that these homeowners have to be told to fix their homes and properties. You can just imagine the backlash we receive from hubby having this position. Anyhoooooooo hubby notified a few of these deadbeat homeowners via email and they didn’t like it one bit. In retaliation hubby received nasty emails and hence I won’t answer the phone or door.

Yes, this is ludicrous, but it seems to be the norm for these lazy and obnoxious homeowners. Just the other day, someone was banging on our door and of course I didn’t answer it. I peeked out the kitchen window and saw a car that I did not recognize so I ignored the repeated knocking on the door which then was replaced by them ringing my doorbell. I still ignored the offending racket then I heard the person open our storm door and turn our doorknob trying to open our front door. Well, as you can imagine that scared the $#@% out of me and I practically jumped out of my skin. The person left in a huff and drove off and I finally let out a breath of relief.

Five minutes later I was heading out of the door for my power walk and tried to forget the whole incident. Wouldn’t you know it; lo and behold I found the car in our neighborhood that was at my house just minutes before in a neighbor’s driveway.

So there we are. All my senses screamin’ “GET THE RED RYDER BB GUN AND KNOCK ON THEIR DOOR!!!” But something told me that it wouldn’t be enough retaliation to their terrible deed.

Alrighty, then. We can handle this. Late tonight I shall get some grass killer and come back to the nasty neighbor’s house. I will then let him know what a complete #$%@& he is by writing it in his yard.

Just thinking about this makes me tingly all over.

(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I recently went to San Antonio with hubby and stayed in this ritzy Marriot right on the River Walk.

Since hubby travels extensively he is an elite member at Marriott and they gave him a HUGE room. It was el grande in size for sure (1,000 square feet or more). So much so that you had to leave a bread crumb trail so you could find your way back to the door. Our Vice Presidential Suite had a bedroom, walk-in closet, vanity area with a sink, separate shower and tub with double sinks, bar, dining room, family room, lounge area, large foyer with coat closet and powder room, etc. I counted 5 sinks, yes, you read that right. Why someone would need 5 sinks was beyond me.

In the concierge lounge you had (all FREE) a full hot breakfast, and later hors d'oeuvres, and in the evening dessert.

Needless to say, I was ready to move in and never leave.

Anyhooo, I ate and drank my way from one end of the famous River Walk to the other. The food was superb and yes, I brought my trusty “fat pants” so I could enjoy San Antonio’s BB Q, steaks, Tex Mex, and margaritas to the max.

I must say that San Antonio has very aggressive homeless people who walk right up and accost you all the time trying to get money from you. Well, isn't that special? So there I was, trying to enjoy my vacation and all my senses were screamin’ “BRING THE RED RYDER BB GUN NEXT TIME!!!” so I could keep these pesky schizophrenics at bay.

They must have thought I was easy prey, but I think my “BITE ME” t-shirt got the message across to these Looney Tunes to leave me the heck alone. I think giving them the finger added that special touch to the annoying predicament that visitors should not have to endure at this delightful place.

(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I don’t know about you, but I like to keep fit. I work out 5 days a week and take long power walks afterwards. I especially enjoy walking outside with all that fresh air and sunshine. I can enjoy God’s creations and feel totally relaxed and rejuvenated each and every time.

Well, just the other day, I was minding my own business as a friend and I were taking our power walk when we came upon a gruesome site. Yes, indeedy! The most awful and hideous thing imaginable was on the road and thank the Lord it was squished by an unsuspecting motorist. Of course I jumped and did something like my “Superior Dance” when I noticed the 3 foot copperhead on the side of the road. I made sure the blasted thing was dead and then kept my eyes peeled for any more of them trying to creep up on me.

Later we come to find out that a copperhead bit one of my neighbor’s dogs and they had to rush it to the vet. The dog survived, but they did not know where the snake slithered off too. I hope it was the squished one that we found, but something tells me there are more of those poisonous reptiles lurking about ready to pounce on any unsuspecting human or animal that just happens to get in their way.

I got a funny feeling that we will be looking for something else besides "suspicious activity" during Neighborhood Watch from now on.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Just the other day I was sitting at an airport and I happen to start up a conversation with a lady while we were waiting for our flight to be announced. The other lady was an arrogant woman married to a wealthy man. Anyhoooooo, the conversation centered on whether we had any children.

The wealthy woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

I then commented, “Well, isn't that special?”

The woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, I commented, “Well, isn't that special?”

The woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite, diamond bracelet."

Yet again, I commented, “Well, isn't that special?”

The wealthy woman then asked me, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

I answered, "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school?" the woman cried, "Oh, my gosh! What on earth for?"



I answered her by saying, "Well for example, instead of saying, ‘Who gives a s**t?’ I learned to say, “Well, isn't that special?”

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I don’t know if you have seen previews of the movie “The Watch” yet, but it does look interesting.




I am quite impressed with their jackets. I wonder if we will be issued Neighborhood Watch jackets as well? Something tells me it is optional, but I will buy one for sure. As for their Neighborhood Watch Patrol Vehicle, ours is much better as you can see.

I hope we get to interrogate potential suspects like they did in the movie. I could easily get them to confess to any heinous crime if I was allowed to use my most cherished possession, my Red Ryder BB gun; the same one I shoot those pesky salesmen that come to my door with!. I would whip out my lever-action spring piston BB gun with a smoothbore barrel, adjustable iron sights, and a gravity feed magazine with a 650 BB capacity, capable of shooting at 350 feet per second with standard steel BBs, and pop those little heathens a good one! That will encourage them to squeeeeeeeeal about what they did.

Just thinking about it makes me tingly all over.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Since squirrels do not hibernate, they are just dormant during winter to preserve energy, I therefore took a closer look at these rats with a bushy tail that were in my backyard this past winter. I noticed that the squirrels around here liked to eat the birdseed that I put out for the poor birds who do not hibernate or fly south. Well, isn't that special? It really ticked me off how the squirrels like to bully their way into taking all of the birdseed and not leaving any for the birds. Who told them that they could do that? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

Well, let’s examine this more closely, shall we? Hmmmmmmmm? We have these big fat squirrels that hog the birdseed and chase the birds away so they can’t have any. The squirrels then scamper off leaving the poor birds hungry. That means that liiiiiiiittle ‘ole me has to go out in the cold, unlock the shed, and put more birdseed in the birdfeeder. In retaliation the squirrels come back with vengeance and scarf up the birdseed again. Yes, it’s a vicious cycle and I had to stop this toot sweet! Yes, indeedy!

So I loaded up my trusty Red Ryder BB gun and let those little demons have it! Tee hee! It was more fun than taking those plastic flowers from that neighbor’s yard and burning them in my backyard fire pit (out of sight, out of mind)! I could actually stand in my house with the backdoor cracked and pop ‘em a good one whenever I felt like it. I didn’t get cold nor did my feet get wet. It was so much fun that they should make this an Olympic event!

Unfortunately, Hubby noticed I was having waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much fun and using waaaaaaaaaaaay too many BBs so took matters into his own hands. This spring he bought me a new bird feeder that is squirrel proof. Yes, you read that right! Squirrel proof. He put the feeder on a pole and stuck it in a bucket with concrete. He then dug a hole in our yard and put it in the ground.

How can a bird feeder be squirrel proof you ask? Well, when a squirrel climbs onto the weight-sensitive perch, a trap door closes off access to the seed. The perch's weight settings are adjustable, so you can also keep unwanted birds, such as those big fat disgusting crows, from using your feeder. The setting can be adjusted so it is not too sensitive yet sensitive enough that squirrels cannot get to the seed.

I can tell you I was one happy camper. Yes, indeedy! The birds ate when they wanted and what fell on the ground the squirrels scarfed up. Everything was honky dory until I noticed that those pesky squirrels were digging in the yard and made a HUGE hole around the base of the bird feeder. The trench is 6 inches deep and when it rains it fills up with water and it’s like a moat around a castle.

I can just imagine what my Hubby who is an engineer will come up with to stop this squirrel nonsense once and for all.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Don’t you just love to travel? I sure do and I have been doing a lot of it lately. Yes, indeedy. I went to Las Vegas (A.K.A. Sin City) in May, Munich Germany in June, and I plan on going to San Antonio in July, Florida in August, and San Diego in October. As you can guess, all that traveling can make your head spin. Needless to say, it is fun and very educational, especially when traveling in foreign countries where you have to speak a different language and eat food you don’t necessarily eat. Case in point, in Munich we had lots of their local cuisine and one night we had beef knuckle. You read that right. We had this HUGE 22 kilo (48.5 pounds) beef knuckle that looked like something that you would get off of a dinosaur. Our dinner party consisted of 6 people and those Germans must have thought we hadn’t eaten in years because we ate that beef knuckle, two different kinds of salads, potato dumplings, sauerkraut, bread, HUGE pretzels, etc. in record time. We washed that down with German beer and then had two scoops of ice cream.

On our visit to Germany we continued to sample beer at various beer halls and ate our way to oblivion. I must have over done it because I could only fit in my “fat pants”, but that didn’t seem to slow me down one bit. No, indeedy! I was on vacation and I was @#$% well going to enjoy it!





Next stop, San Antonio! It is famous for steaks, barbeque, Tex Mex, and frozen margaritas. Something tells me that I better make sure I pack my “fat pants” again so I can enjoy San Antonio to the max.