Monday, May 25, 2015

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Perimenopause, or menopause transition, begins several years before menopause. It's the time when the ovaries gradually begin to make less estrogen. It usually starts in a woman's 40s, but can start in her 30s or even earlier. Symptoms include hot flashes, breast tenderness, worse premenstrual syndrome, lower sex drive, fatigue, irregular periods, va jay jay dryness; discomfort during sex, urine leakage, urinary urgency (an urgent need to urinate more frequently), mood swings, and trouble sleeping. Men think it’s no big deal, but I can tell you from experience, it is utter H-E double toothpicks! Well, isn’t this a news flash?

Grrrrrrrrrrrr. Well, let’s examine this medical calamity. Let’s see what we have got here, shall we? I get hot flashes so bad at night that I wake up dripping sweat, my breasts are so tender that I will only let my bra touch them, my periods are so heavy that I go through 8 Super Plus tampons in a day and half to change one in the middle of the night, I’m tired all the time because I have insomnia, when I sneeze or cough I sometimes pee a little, I get up to pee during the night at least four or five times, and of course my mood swings are legionary. Then to top it all off my va jay jay is dryer than the Mojave Desert! Sex is the farthest thing from my mind! The only treatment is hormones which has side effects. All the side effects are what people in my family have died of so I’m already prone to get whatever they had because of genetics. Taking hormones will only up my percentage even more. How conveeeenient!

So perimenopause is no big deal? Where do people get these wacky ideas? Where, oh where, oh where? Now, who could have told them that? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

The average length of perimenopause is 4 years, but for some women this stage may last only a few months or continue for 10 years. Ten years!!!!! I’ll be dead by then!

Monday, May 18, 2015

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. As you well know from my past experiences, I don’t like snakes. No, indeedy. I hate them in fact. I don’t even like to talk about them. Well, the other day, on my way out the door for my power walk I noticed a small, black wiggly thing on my front porch. I jumped and yelled and made quite a scene. As you can imagine, my reaction wasn’t something children should hear. After I scraped myself off of the ceiling, I ran inside and got my trusty broom. I know what you are thinking! Always thinking naughty thoughts in the morning aren’t we? Stop that! Alrighty, then. We can handle this. Anyhoooooo, I came out, and that demonic creature was still there so I wacked it a good one with my broom. I did it another time just for good measure to make sure it was deader than a doornail. I then bent over and took a good look at the awful thing and saw that it was earpiece thingy that fell off Hubby’s cell phone. Well, isn't that special?

Something tells me I should give up my power walks. They are hazardous to my health.

Monday, May 11, 2015

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. After church, Hubby has gotten into the weird habit of going to McDonald’s for breakfast. I really don’t like eating breakfast there, but Hubby does. I guess he enjoys watching the homeless people coming in and digging into the trash can for a cup to get a free soda at the drink station. Anyhoooooo, I try to keep my aversion of McDonald’s to myself and let Hubby have his way. To fight my demonic urges to protest about this absurd place, I order a caramel frappe and suck on it like there was no tomorrow. Yes, indeedy!

Just the other day while I was sucking on my caramel frappe, I watched this liiiiiiiittle old man come into McDonald’s all by himself. I felt so sorry for him because he was all alone and probably didn’t talk to anyone all day. Being the charitable person that I am I wanted to ask the old man to join us for breakfast. Hubby said no. I wonder why?

It was probably because for some reason Hubby was passing gas like crazy. But the old man probably wouldn’t have minded.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. These past few months we have been a liiiiiiiittle buzy lately. Yes, siree! I am going on a river cruise from Nice to Paris. I’ve been on a large cruise ship twice before, but never a small river cruise ship. Only 48 passengers, no snotty nose kids (a teacher’s dream cruise if you ask me), Yes, indeedy!

We will start in Nice with its golden sands and opulent casinos, then explore France by river where we'll sail throughout the French countryside aboard a private French river cruiser—which offers a more intimate cruising experience. Along the way, we will discover the lovely landscapes and enchanting villages that inspired the great artists of the 19th and 20th centuries ... revel in picturesque scenery, like gently sloping hills and vineyards that sustain one of the greatest wine industries in the world ... visit ornate papal palaces, Gothic cathedrals, medieval fortifications, and ancient Roman ruins. Then we will cap off our explorations and marvel at the lights in Paris, the capital of romance.

Yes, it should be a trip of a lifetime, that’s for sure. Unfortunately, I will be going with my 78 year old mother, her brother (age 81) and his wife (age 78). I hope I can handle being with my mom 24/7. If you hear about an American jumping ship in France, you will know it was me.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Just the other day I was doing my power walk and minding my own business when I spotted this HUGE dog in my neighbor’s yard. This dog is known to be quite aggressive and is half German Shepherd and wolf. Yes, you read that right, wolf. Well, as you can imagine, I kept my distance and walked in the middle of the street making sure I didn’t provoke that demonic dog. Then it saw me and charged, barking like there was no tomorrow. Well, I said a little prayer so I would not do something in my pants and die in total disgrace. I then asked God to find it in his heart to release me from my awful situation. The Lord must have been listening because that dog was leashed and tied to something. What it was tied to, I have no idea, but it held and he reared up going absolutely berserk, right at the edge of the property, wanting to tear me into shreds. I of course screamed my bloody head off and the owner of the dog didn’t say a word. What an $#@&%!

Well, isn't that special? So as soon as I could get myself together, I went to my local Super Wal-Mart to the sporting goods section. Before I could even ask for help, the sales person asked me if I wanted pepper spray. I guess I still had that terrified look plastered on my face. Anyhoooooo, he said they have at least 3 people a day asking for pepper spray, but they didn’t carry it. I therefore hit the nearest red neck gun store and shopped for the best pepper spray available for dogs.

Sabre Red is one of the leading brands that manufacture pepper spray products. This particular model (Sabre Red Protector Dog Pepper Spray) is specifically designed for use on all types of aggressive dogs yet is a humane deterrent that only induces temporary pain.

The Sabre Red dog attack deterrent carries a rating of 1 % major capsaicinoids which is the maximum strength approved by the Enviromental Protection Agency (EPA). It sprays up to 15 feet and delivers approximately 8, 1-second bursts. At the suggested 15 foot maximum the spray is between two and three feet wide (shotgun effect) and very potent indeed. The stream delivery pattern means there is low risk of wind blow-back. Added features include an integrated safety lock to prevent accidental discharge and a belt clip so you can carry it with you while jogging or going for a walk. Sabre Red is reliable and is the #1 brand trusted by police worldwide. Pleased with the stats of the product, I bought one so I could walk confidently knowing I've done as much as I could to protect myself in an effective but humane way.

I can’t wait to stop that demonic dog with my pepper spray! Yes, indeedy! I also got a Taser at that red neck gun store to use on that $#@&% dog owner too!

(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

Monday, April 20, 2015

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I know you’re thinking that I’m never nice to Hubby, but you’re wrong. I can be nice to him, sometimes. Just the other day I was doing some yard work outside for Hubby. He was going to leave for work and I was going to help him a bit so he wouldn’t have to do it all when he got home. Anyhoooooooo, after I did my good deed, I went to the front door and found that it was locked. Hubby locked me out, AGAIN! Well, apparently someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

One winter years ago, I walked our son down to the bus stop for school and Hubby left for work. When I came back home, he had locked me out. To make a long story short, I then had to walk around the neighborhood and try to find someone home so I could call Hubby to get his butt home and let me in. Now a-days everyone is working and no one is home. You can only guess how happy I was while going from door to door, hoping that someone could help. Yes, that saying, “Stupid is, as stupid does” fits this scenario to a T.

Why does Hubby lock me out of the house? Why, oh why, oh why? Who told him to do that? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

Naw, he is just plain stupid. Stupid with a capital S.

Next time he goes out for a run, I’ll lock him out. Better yet, next time he puts something in the trashcan that is in the back yard in his underwear, I’ll lock him out.

(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

Saturday, April 11, 2015

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I bet you are wondering where I’ve been. Well, I took a powder, a moderately loooooooooooooong one. Two years, six months, and ten days to be exact. Sorry about that. I promise I won’t go off the deep end again. Keep your fingers crossed!

Yes, I went A.W.O.L., but I needed the break. Being the Church Lady is rather hard to be sure. You are probably wondering what I’ve been up to. Recently, my son went off to a four year college and that has been quite an ordeal. Yes, indeedy! Here I was looking forward to having a great ‘ol time while my son was gone and of course all I could think about was all the dreadful things that could go wrong. Well, let’s look at this more closely, shall we? Hmmmmmmmm? Everything that can go wrong in college will go wrong. Murphy’s Law strikes again. Well, isn't that special?

Unfortunately, my son is just like his father. The nut doesn’t fall far from the tree. Lord, only knows what he could get into. My mind was reelin’ and I thought of the most awful things imaginable. Hubby said to not worry. (Puts hands over her ears.) Well, Hubby, I can’t hear youuuuuuuuuu!. What a bunch of crock!

So there I was. All my senses screamin’ to $#@% Hubby. Alrighty, then. We can handle this. I’ll just get me a Hugh Jackman DVD and a bottle of my favorite wine next time he says that. That will definitely help. Yes, siree!

(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)