And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Just the other day I was doing my power walk and minding my own business when I spotted this HUGE dog in my neighbor’s yard. This dog is known to be quite aggressive and is half German Shepherd and wolf. Yes, you read that right, wolf. Well, as you can imagine, I kept my distance and walked in the middle of the street making sure I didn’t provoke that demonic dog. Then it saw me and charged, barking like there was no tomorrow. Well, I said a little prayer so I would not do something in my pants and die in total disgrace. I then asked God to find it in his heart to release me from my awful situation. The Lord must have been listening because that dog was leashed and tied to something. What it was tied to, I have no idea, but it held and he reared up going absolutely berserk, right at the edge of the property, wanting to tear me into shreds. I of course screamed my bloody head off and the owner of the dog didn’t say a word. What an $#@&%!

Well, isn't that special? So as soon as I could get myself together, I went to my local Super Wal-Mart to the sporting goods section. Before I could even ask for help, the sales person asked me if I wanted pepper spray. I guess I still had that terrified look plastered on my face. Anyhoooooo, he said they have at least 3 people a day asking for pepper spray, but they didn’t carry it. I therefore hit the nearest red neck gun store and shopped for the best pepper spray available for dogs.

Sabre Red is one of the leading brands that manufacture pepper spray products. This particular model (Sabre Red Protector Dog Pepper Spray) is specifically designed for use on all types of aggressive dogs yet is a humane deterrent that only induces temporary pain.

The Sabre Red dog attack deterrent carries a rating of 1 % major capsaicinoids which is the maximum strength approved by the Enviromental Protection Agency (EPA). It sprays up to 15 feet and delivers approximately 8, 1-second bursts. At the suggested 15 foot maximum the spray is between two and three feet wide (shotgun effect) and very potent indeed. The stream delivery pattern means there is low risk of wind blow-back. Added features include an integrated safety lock to prevent accidental discharge and a belt clip so you can carry it with you while jogging or going for a walk. Sabre Red is reliable and is the #1 brand trusted by police worldwide. Pleased with the stats of the product, I bought one so I could walk confidently knowing I've done as much as I could to protect myself in an effective but humane way.

I can’t wait to stop that demonic dog with my pepper spray! Yes, indeedy! I also got a Taser at that red neck gun store to use on that $#@&% dog owner too!


(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I know you’re thinking that I’m never nice to Hubby, but you’re wrong. I can be nice to him, sometimes. Just the other day I was doing some yard work outside for Hubby. He was going to leave for work and I was going to help him a bit so he wouldn’t have to do it all when he got home. Anyhoooooooo, after I did my good deed, I went to the front door and found that it was locked. Hubby locked me out, AGAIN! Well, apparently someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

One winter years ago, I walked our son down to the bus stop for school and Hubby left for work. When I came back home, he had locked me out. To make a long story short, I then had to walk around the neighborhood and try to find someone home so I could call Hubby to get his butt home and let me in. Now a-days everyone is working and no one is home. You can only guess how happy I was while going from door to door, hoping that someone could help. Yes, that saying, “Stupid is, as stupid does” fits this scenario to a T.

Why does Hubby lock me out of the house? Why, oh why, oh why? Who told him to do that? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

Naw, he is just plain stupid. Stupid with a capital S.

Next time he goes out for a run, I’ll lock him out. Better yet, next time he puts something in the trashcan that is in the back yard in his underwear, I’ll lock him out.


(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I bet you are wondering where I’ve been. Well, I took a powder, a moderately loooooooooooooong one. Two years, six months, and ten days to be exact. Sorry about that. I promise I won’t go off the deep end again. Keep your fingers crossed!

Yes, I went A.W.O.L., but I needed the break. Being the Church Lady is rather hard to be sure. You are probably wondering what I’ve been up to. Recently, my son went off to a four year college and that has been quite an ordeal. Yes, indeedy! Here I was looking forward to having a great ‘ol time while my son was gone and of course all I could think about was all the dreadful things that could go wrong. Well, let’s look at this more closely, shall we? Hmmmmmmmm? Everything that can go wrong in college will go wrong. Murphy’s Law strikes again. Well, isn't that special?

Unfortunately, my son is just like his father. The nut doesn’t fall far from the tree. Lord, only knows what he could get into. My mind was reelin’ and I thought of the most awful things imaginable. Hubby said to not worry. (Puts hands over her ears.) Well, Hubby, I can’t hear youuuuuuuuuu!. What a bunch of crock!

So there I was. All my senses screamin’ to $#@% Hubby. Alrighty, then. We can handle this. I’ll just get me a Hugh Jackman DVD and a bottle of my favorite wine next time he says that. That will definitely help. Yes, siree!


(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)