And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Does your community have a Neighborhood Watch Program? If you have suspicious activity going on it might be a good idea to form one. It’s easy and a MUST for any community who wants to take charge and get crime out of their neighborhood toot-sweet!

An effective tool for some Neighborhood Watch programs is to use is a citizen patrol. Citizen patrols are volunteers who walk or drive an area on a regular basis to report incidents and problems to the police and provide a visible presence that deters criminal activity. A citizen patrol can cover your entire neighborhood and can contact the police dispatcher through two-way radios or cellular phones (whichever you prefer). Cameras or video equipment can also be used to record suspicious activity.

Our Neighborhood Watch Program is coming along nicely. We went door-to-door to recruit members and got everyone involved; young and old, single and married, renter and homeowner. We will plan accordingly and we will establish a well-organized Neighbor Watch Program that any community would be proud of. Our first meeting will be soon and I can’t wait to make our neighborhood safer and improve our quality of life.

I hope that our Neighborhood Watch will be equipped with a Patrol Vehicle and also have people patrolling on foot throughout the community. As you can just imagine this can be rather dangerous, but I found a nice liiiiiiiittle tool that is a must for any Neighborhood Watch.













I already ordered mine and I know I will be the envy of everyone in our Neighborhood Watch Program.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Have you ever wondered why your husband enjoys doing things that drives you crazy even though you have asked him, time and time again not to do it?

One morning hubby must have had a bug his butt or something and was rather irritating, in other words doing the stuff I hate and he seemed to enjoy doing them to no end. Of course I ranted and raved and threw a royal tizzy fit telling him to please stop, but he still continued to tease me unmercifully with his relentless demented behavior. What does he do you ask? Well, he keeps leaving lights on when he leaves the room, making a mess and not cleaning it up, ignoring my loud requests to cease this infernal crap NOW and this was happening even before I took our son to the bus stop at 7:20 am! I don’t know if it was intentional or not, but I wanted him to stop immediately.

When I came back from the bus stop I confronted hubby. “Could you please try harder?”

No response.

“Do you even know what that means?” I ask with the determination to get an answer from the obstinate, pigheaded fool who for some asinine reason I married years ago.

Without missing a beat he replies, "Try so you won't b*tch so much."

Yes, it is a loss cause . . .

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Who has allergies? Come on, raise your hand and be counted. I know there are others out there who suffer from this outrageous infliction that wreaks havoc on their daily life. I know some of your scoff at this, thinking that it’s no biggie, but it IS a major problem that many of us suffer through day in and day out.

My allergies have steadily gotten worse over the years. Sometimes I feel that Satan has gotten the upper hand on this and enjoys making me feel like a Mac truck has driven over me and look like I’m from the depths of hell. To top if off, it also effects my behavior, making me lash out and the most trivial thing imaginable which is NOT like my normal sunny disposition that we are all used to. Stop that! I hear you snickering and I don’t like it one bit! No siree! Some of you think I’m an absolute nut and I am most certainly not!

Where do people get these wacky ideas? Where, oh where, oh where? Now, who could be the instigator of such trash? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo).

Some of you think I’m a Babbling Church Nut that totes a Red Ryder BB gun and shoots it without remorse. Well, isn't that special? You little Satan worshipers better watch out because I’m on the loose and I’ll find each and every one of you and let ya have it right where it counts! Yes, indeedy!

Alrighty, then. I think we all feel better now. I think you can tell that my allergies are really bad today and I’m not a “happy camper”. Well, isn’t this a news flash?

Just ask my hubby. He will tell you that I’ve been rather crabby lately. Yes, siree! This will probably explain why he has been constantly picking little BBs out of his backside lately.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Not too long ago my father who has had a stroke fell between his toilet and the wall and got stuck. He is 82 years old and when he falls he cannot get up and this time he was stuck between a hard place (the wall) and the toilet. My mother who is 75 was unable to get him out of his predicament. She therefore had to run down the street to try to find someone to help her. Well, she could not find anyone so she had to call 911. Well, isn't that special? Anyhooooo, the firemen came and they got him out toot sweet. When my mother told me about this incident I couldn’t believe that someone could actually fall and get stuck between the toilet and the wall. Needless to say, the Rescue Squad says this happens a lot. This sure puts a whole new meaning to “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”.

Well, I forgot about this until the other day. Sunday School was over and everyone was gone. I was in the church restroom and I just finished my business and flushed the toilet. I turned and suddenly I fell hard and almost knocked the wind out of me. Unfortunately I found myself stuck between the wall and the toilet and I couldn’t get up. At least I was wearing slacks and I had zipped myself up before I fell. Anyhooooooooo, all I could think of was how I was going to get unstuck. Everyone had already left and there I was stuck between the wall and the toilet. What was I going to do? Was I going to die here and in the local newspaper it would say:

Alrighty, then. We can handle this. Well, I said a little prayer so I would not die in total disgrace and asked God to find it in his heart to release me from my awful situation. I therefore made one more final attempt to dislodge myself from my humiliating predicament. I squirmed and wiggled and lo and behold, I escaped my embarrassing imprisonment and fled the scene without a second glance.

I came home and told Hubby about my liiiiiiiittle experience and of course he thought it was hilarious and immediately got on his cell phone and told most of his relatives.

Something tells me he is going to find something disgusting in his dinner tonight.

(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Church Lady: Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Recently Rebecca was walking her children to school and was accosted by a nut who wanted her to drop what she was doing and help her catch her dog. Since Rebecca has a child who is extremely scared of dogs told the lady that she could not help. The lady did not like that one bit and did something which was totally uncalled for, made a face and flipped her hand at Rebecca which was something like giving her the finger. Where do people get these wacky ideas? Where oh, where? Who could have told her to do such a stupid and deplorable thing? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

Church Lady: Alrighty and now, speaking about potty mouth women, let's welcome my first guest, none other than overzealous nut Mrs. Millbrook, the lady that wanted Rebecca to help her catch her puppy.

[Mrs. Millbrook sits on the couch next to the Church Lady.]

Church Lady: Welcome, Mrs. Millbrook.

Mrs. Millbrook: Well, thank you for having me here, Church Lady, it'll give me a chance to share with you this unfortunate incident that almost got my puppy killed.

Church Lady: Well, let's recap what happened, shall we? Let's see . . . you lost your puppy and you wanted Rebecca who was walking her children to school to help you find it. Correct?

Mrs. Millbrook: Yes, and she refused to help me! Can you believe that! My poor puppy could have gotten run over by a car!

Church Lady: Well, isn't that special? That was a nice little speech, we all have a tear in our eye, don't we? Well, you failed to see that Rebecca’s children could have gotten run over by a car if she helped you find your puppy. Also, some people are quite afraid of dogs and cannot be anywhere near them. Did you think of that, Mrs. Millbrook? Hmmmmmmmmmmm? Plus you did something offensive to Rebecca in front of her little children. Was that justifiable?

Mrs. Millbrook: I was, uh, provoked.

Church Lady: Mmm-hmm. And did that little temper get us here, Mrs. Millbrook?

Mrs. Millbrook: I may have a temper, but Rebecca could have helped me find my puppy.

Church Lady: Ohhhh . . . so we just do fowl things anytime we feel like it, hmmmmm? Have we ever heard "Turn the other cheek"?

Mrs. Millbrook: Alright, look! I did not come here to be insulted!

Church Lady: And you totally forget that you insulted Rebecca in front of her children.

Mrs. Millbrook: Look, I'm warning you, Church Lady!

Church Lady: Oh, what a treat. We're getting to see some of that famous temper, aren't we? And the cameras are here to catch it - how conveeeeenient!

Mrs. Millbrook: Listen, you'd better f****** lay off of me!

Church Lady: Apparently some of us have to use the F word to be funny. Well isn’t that special? Well, it looks like it makes you feel a liiiiiiiiiiitle bit superior.

[Mrs. Millbrook stands up and huffs off the stage.]

Church Lady: Well, that just goes to show you she has no interest in apologizing to Rebecca. Mrs. Millbrook thinks she can do no wrong and she is better than anyone else. But we all know better, don’t we?

[Church Lady stands up and does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.]