Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Just the other day I was sitting at an airport and I happen to start up a conversation with a lady while we were waiting for our flight to be announced. The other lady was an arrogant woman married to a wealthy man. Anyhoooooo, the conversation centered on whether we had any children.
The wealthy woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
I then commented, “Well, isn't that special?”
The woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, I commented, “Well, isn't that special?”
The woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite, diamond bracelet."
Yet again, I commented, “Well, isn't that special?”
The wealthy woman then asked me, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
I answered, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school?" the woman cried, "Oh, my gosh! What on earth for?"
I answered her by saying, "Well for example, instead of saying, ‘Who gives a s**t?’ I learned to say, “Well, isn't that special?”
Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I don’t know if you have seen previews of the movie “The Watch” yet, but it does look interesting.
I am quite impressed with their jackets. I wonder if we will be issued Neighborhood Watch jackets as well? Something tells me it is optional, but I will buy one for sure. As for their Neighborhood Watch Patrol Vehicle, ours is much better as you can see.
I hope we get to interrogate potential suspects like they did in the movie. I could easily get them to confess to any heinous crime if I was allowed to use my most cherished possession, my Red Ryder BB gun; the same one I shoot those pesky salesmen that come to my door with!. I would whip out my lever-action spring piston BB gun with a smoothbore barrel, adjustable iron sights, and a gravity feed magazine with a 650 BB capacity, capable of shooting at 350 feet per second with standard steel BBs, and pop those little heathens a good one! That will encourage them to squeeeeeeeeal about what they did.
Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Since squirrels do not hibernate, they are just dormant during winter to preserve energy, I therefore took a closer look at these rats with a bushy tail that were in my backyard this past winter. I noticed that the squirrels around here liked to eat the birdseed that I put out for the poor birds who do not hibernate or fly south. Well, isn't that special? It really ticked me off how the squirrels like to bully their way into taking all of the birdseed and not leaving any for the birds. Who told them that they could do that? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)
Well, let’s examine this more closely, shall we? Hmmmmmmmm? We have these big fat squirrels that hog the birdseed and chase the birds away so they can’t have any. The squirrels then scamper off leaving the poor birds hungry. That means that liiiiiiiittle ‘ole me has to go out in the cold, unlock the shed, and put more birdseed in the birdfeeder. In retaliation the squirrels come back with vengeance and scarf up the birdseed again. Yes, it’s a vicious cycle and I had to stop this toot sweet! Yes, indeedy!
So I loaded up my trusty Red Ryder BB gun and let those little demons have it! Tee hee! It was more fun than taking those plastic flowers from that neighbor’s yard and burning them in my backyard fire pit (out of sight, out of mind)! I could actually stand in my house with the backdoor cracked and pop ‘em a good one whenever I felt like it. I didn’t get cold nor did my feet get wet. It was so much fun that they should make this an Olympic event!
Unfortunately, Hubby noticed I was having waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much fun and using waaaaaaaaaaaay too many BBs so took matters into his own hands. This spring he bought me a new bird feeder that is squirrel proof. Yes, you read that right! Squirrel proof. He put the feeder on a pole and stuck it in a bucket with concrete. He then dug a hole in our yard and put it in the ground.
How can a bird feeder be squirrel proof you ask? Well, when a squirrel climbs onto the weight-sensitive perch, a trap door closes off access to the seed. The perch's weight settings are adjustable, so you can also keep unwanted birds, such as those big fat disgusting crows, from using your feeder. The setting can be adjusted so it is not too sensitive yet sensitive enough that squirrels cannot get to the seed.
I can tell you I was one happy camper. Yes, indeedy! The birds ate when they wanted and what fell on the ground the squirrels scarfed up. Everything was honky dory until I noticed that those pesky squirrels were digging in the yard and made a HUGE hole around the base of the bird feeder. The trench is 6 inches deep and when it rains it fills up with water and it’s like a moat around a castle.
I can just imagine what my Hubby who is an engineer will come up with to stop this squirrel nonsense once and for all.
Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Don’t you just love to travel? I sure do and I have been doing a lot of it lately. Yes, indeedy. I went to Las Vegas (A.K.A. Sin City) in May, Munich Germany in June, and I plan on going to San Antonio in July, Florida in August, and San Diego in October. As you can guess, all that traveling can make your head spin. Needless to say, it is fun and very educational, especially when traveling in foreign countries where you have to speak a different language and eat food you don’t necessarily eat. Case in point, in Munich we had lots of their local cuisine and one night we had beef knuckle. You read that right. We had this HUGE 22 kilo (48.5 pounds) beef knuckle that looked like something that you would get off of a dinosaur. Our dinner party consisted of 6 people and those Germans must have thought we hadn’t eaten in years because we ate that beef knuckle, two different kinds of salads, potato dumplings, sauerkraut, bread, HUGE pretzels, etc. in record time. We washed that down with German beer and then had two scoops of ice cream.
On our visit to Germany we continued to sample beer at various beer halls and ate our way to oblivion. I must have over done it because I could only fit in my “fat pants”, but that didn’t seem to slow me down one bit. No, indeedy! I was on vacation and I was @#$% well going to enjoy it!
Next stop, San Antonio! It is famous for steaks, barbeque, Tex Mex, and frozen margaritas. Something tells me that I better make sure I pack my “fat pants” again so I can enjoy San Antonio to the max.
