And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Perimenopause, or menopause transition, begins several years before menopause. It's the time when the ovaries gradually begin to make less estrogen. It usually starts in a woman's 40s, but can start in her 30s or even earlier. Symptoms include hot flashes, breast tenderness, worse premenstrual syndrome, lower sex drive, fatigue, irregular periods, va jay jay dryness; discomfort during sex, urine leakage, urinary urgency (an urgent need to urinate more frequently), mood swings, and trouble sleeping. Men think it’s no big deal, but I can tell you from experience, it is utter H-E double toothpicks! Well, isn’t this a news flash?

Grrrrrrrrrrrr. Well, let’s examine this medical calamity. Let’s see what we have got here, shall we? I get hot flashes so bad at night that I wake up dripping sweat, my breasts are so tender that I will only let my bra touch them, my periods are so heavy that I go through 8 Super Plus tampons in a day and half to change one in the middle of the night, I’m tired all the time because I have insomnia, when I sneeze or cough I sometimes pee a little, I get up to pee during the night at least four or five times, and of course my mood swings are legionary. Then to top it all off my va jay jay is dryer than the Mojave Desert! Sex is the farthest thing from my mind! The only treatment is hormones which has side effects. All the side effects are what people in my family have died of so I’m already prone to get whatever they had because of genetics. Taking hormones will only up my percentage even more. How conveeeenient!

So perimenopause is no big deal? Where do people get these wacky ideas? Where, oh where, oh where? Now, who could have told them that? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

The average length of perimenopause is 4 years, but for some women this stage may last only a few months or continue for 10 years. Ten years!!!!! I’ll be dead by then!

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. As you well know from my past experiences, I don’t like snakes. No, indeedy. I hate them in fact. I don’t even like to talk about them. Well, the other day, on my way out the door for my power walk I noticed a small, black wiggly thing on my front porch. I jumped and yelled and made quite a scene. As you can imagine, my reaction wasn’t something children should hear. After I scraped myself off of the ceiling, I ran inside and got my trusty broom. I know what you are thinking! Always thinking naughty thoughts in the morning aren’t we? Stop that! Alrighty, then. We can handle this. Anyhoooooo, I came out, and that demonic creature was still there so I wacked it a good one with my broom. I did it another time just for good measure to make sure it was deader than a doornail. I then bent over and took a good look at the awful thing and saw that it was earpiece thingy that fell off Hubby’s cell phone. Well, isn't that special?

Something tells me I should give up my power walks. They are hazardous to my health.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. After church, Hubby has gotten into the weird habit of going to McDonald’s for breakfast. I really don’t like eating breakfast there, but Hubby does. I guess he enjoys watching the homeless people coming in and digging into the trash can for a cup to get a free soda at the drink station. Anyhoooooo, I try to keep my aversion of McDonald’s to myself and let Hubby have his way. To fight my demonic urges to protest about this absurd place, I order a caramel frappe and suck on it like there was no tomorrow. Yes, indeedy!

Just the other day while I was sucking on my caramel frappe, I watched this liiiiiiiittle old man come into McDonald’s all by himself. I felt so sorry for him because he was all alone and probably didn’t talk to anyone all day. Being the charitable person that I am I wanted to ask the old man to join us for breakfast. Hubby said no. I wonder why?







It was probably because for some reason Hubby was passing gas like crazy. But the old man probably wouldn’t have minded.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. These past few months we have been a liiiiiiiittle buzy lately. Yes, siree! I am going on a river cruise from Nice to Paris. I’ve been on a large cruise ship twice before, but never a small river cruise ship. Only 48 passengers, no snotty nose kids (a teacher’s dream cruise if you ask me), Yes, indeedy!

We will start in Nice with its golden sands and opulent casinos, then explore France by river where we'll sail throughout the French countryside aboard a private French river cruiser—which offers a more intimate cruising experience. Along the way, we will discover the lovely landscapes and enchanting villages that inspired the great artists of the 19th and 20th centuries ... revel in picturesque scenery, like gently sloping hills and vineyards that sustain one of the greatest wine industries in the world ... visit ornate papal palaces, Gothic cathedrals, medieval fortifications, and ancient Roman ruins. Then we will cap off our explorations and marvel at the lights in Paris, the capital of romance.

Yes, it should be a trip of a lifetime, that’s for sure. Unfortunately, I will be going with my 78 year old mother, her brother (age 81) and his wife (age 78). I hope I can handle being with my mom 24/7. If you hear about an American jumping ship in France, you will know it was me.