And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Unfortunately there have been some suspicious activities within our community. We have had items stolen from cars and we have had reports of unsavory people trollin’ the area with flashlights trying to open doors of some unsuspecting homeowners. This heinous activity has wreaked havoc within our liiiiiiiittle community and many are quite scared and angry about what is going on. Let’s all just settle down here, shall we? Alrighty, then. We can handle this. I have looked into the numerous home security systems and I am appalled by how much they cost and their monthly fees for their monitoring service. I have therefore taken it upon myself to inform the homeowners in our area with some ideas that should help discourage any potential issues that may occur. These tips are cheap and easy to do at any home and they will deter any would-be thief.


THE EQUIPMENT: The list of the DIY security measures necessary to protect your home and the many valuables and investments within.


1. Make a Crime Scene at Your Door- Stop the thief from coming into your home with Police Line Do Not Cross tape and chalk outline of a dead body. A little blood (red paint) added to the crime scene adds that “special” touch.

2. Never leave notes on your door such as “Gone Shopping”- Try posting a preemptive message to any would-be intruders. Enter at your own risk and don't say you weren't warned!

3. Organize a Neighborhood Watch Program- Make sure you have people signed up to patrol the neighborhood at night. Have a Patrol Vehicle and patrol the neighborhood.

I think this concludes what is necessary to protect your home. I think this will help make everyone in the neighborhood feel safe and secure.

Cheap Flights

The Brits are so witty! LOL!

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Church Lady:  Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’.  To homeschool or not to homeschool, that is the question.  This liiiiiiiittle dilemma has plagued the minds of parents all across America.  This phenomenon reared its ugly head due to the fact that our public schools are not meeting the individual needs of our children as they promised.  Well, isn’t this a news flash?  I don’t know how many times I have heard and witnessed these promises by the school system to parents of special needs children that their children will receive FAPE (Free and Appropriate Education) in the least restrictive environment and of course none of their promises ever pans out.  Sometimes your child will receive certain services such as Speech and your child’s IEP will state that they will have 30 minutes per week.  What can 30 minutes per week do?  NUTHIN’!  It is really just a Band-Aid to hopefully get your child just to pass and go on to the next grade level.  But as parents of special needs children we want and deserve more for our children!   Yes, indeedy!

Church Lady:  Just the other day, Rebecca was accosted by a Special Education Coordinator who was most likely demonic.  This so-called “educator” did not like it that Rebecca had chosen to homeschool her daughter and thought this was a “control thing”.  Well, apparently some of us got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.  Where do these educators get these wacky ideas?  Where oh, where?  Who could have told her to say such a stupid and deplorable thing?  Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

Church Lady:  Alrighty and now, speaking about demonic school administrators, let's welcome my first guest, none other than Mrs. Spalding, the Special Education Coordinator that thinks parents homeschool their children because it is a “control thing”.

[Mrs. Spalding sits on the couch next to the Church Lady.]

Church Lady: Welcome, Mrs. Spalding.

Mrs. Spalding: Well, thank you for having me here, Church Lady, it'll give me a chance to finally clear up this misunderstanding.

Church Lady: Oh, these kinds of derange comments from educators happen all that time and parents have listen to this *&$# with a smile plastered on their faces so their child can receive a good education.  It is just appalling!  If parents dare to say or do something you don’t like, you educators pop up and say something demeaning and don’t stop, just like some nasty bacterial fungus you get at a gas station bathroom.  You just simply won't go away, will you?

Mrs. Spalding:  Well, we strive to educate all students and we have to deal with situations that are sometimes sensitive.  

Church Lady:  We like ourselves, don't we?  This situation has been a knot in my corset and a hair in my Cream of Wheat for years.

Mrs. Spalding:  If you would just give me a chance . . . 

Church Lady:  Just relax! [opens and closes her hand mimicking a mouth talking]. There's your mouth - it's moving.  Let's just keep it nice and buttoned real tight for just a second. You educators just like to talk, talk, talk, talk. Well, listen, Mrs. Spalding, I think you educators need to go back to school and learn how to treat parents and children better.  We are tired of being treated like something you find on the bottom of your shoe.  It’s time for you to think about our children and us parents and do what is right!  And if you don’t start treating us nice and following through with your promises we will start bringing a Red Ryder BB gun to all IEP meetings and pop y’all a good one!  That will give ya something to squeeeeeeeeeeal about!   

[Church Lady stands up and does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.]

Big Deck

This is so funny!

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I have been teaching Sunday School for many, many years and I take this position quite seriously. As Sunday School teachers we have a great responsibility on our hands. We must prepare the hearts and minds of the children to receive Jesus Christ as their Savior. We are responsible for preparing the lessons, activities, maintaining their spiritual life along with creating opportunity for salvation . . . the list goes on and on.

Anyhoooooooo, with how children act in public (see my last Church Chat post) it is crucial that we also help those little heathens learn to behave appropriately in church and elsewhere. People blame our media and the trash they watch on MTV on this terrible behavior we have to witness, but all I can say is how conveeeenient! I don’t know what other Sunday School teachers do, but I have my own little “angels” to deal with. Let’s just say if one of them acts like a spawn of Satan things might get rather dicey. Alrighty, then. We can handle this.

I remember the first day in Sunday School looooooooooooong ago and I was teaching a lesson about Church and Respect.  I explained in detail the importance of treating others like you would like to be treated to their level and even had them do several activities and some games where they learned about proper behavior and even how to act in church.  We also learned what it means to respect others; parents, teachers, etc.  Let me tell you that had a very educational and delightful time!



Then a demonic child, who shall remain nameless said, “I get to do what I want.”  Of course that got a rise out of me and I replied, “Well, aren’t you special.”  And that #@$% kid fired back, “Yes, I am!”

Well, he sure has a charming little attitude doesn’t he?  So there we are.  All of my senses screamin’ “BRING THE RED RYDER BB GUN NEXT WEEK!”  I then calmly said, "We like ourselves, don't we?"   And the little *%#@ says, “Yes, but I don’t like you.”

Dolphin Play with Bubble Rings

Here is something that is so amazing!

The Power of Four

It's amazing what you can learn about a person when they share four simple things. This is a short answer meme that screams loads about the writer.  Feel free to tag your friends or not. A link back to this post would be appreciated.


Four Jobs I Have Had:
* Babysitter
* Waitress
* Camp Counselor
* Teacher

Four Places I Have Lived:
* Florida
* North Carolina
* Maryland
* Alabama

Four Movies I Could Watch Again and Again:
* Forrest Gump
* Becoming Jane
* Pride and Prejudice (with Kiera Knightly)
* Atonement

Four Television Shows I Love:
* The Big Bang Theory
* House Hunters International
* The Graham Norton Show
* America’s Next Top Model

Four Authors I Enjoy:
* Stephen King
* Jane Austen
* Stieg Larsson
* Lisa Kleypas

Four Places I Have Travelled To:
* Germany
* France
* Switzerland
* Austria

Four of My Favorite Foods:
* Pizza
* Salad
* Sea Food
* Tex Mex

Four Places I'd Rather Be:
* Hiking
* Sleeping
* Reading a good book
* Watching a good movie

Four Places I Would Like To Go To
* Scotland
* Ireland
* Egypt
* Australia

I'm Losing My Marbles #1

You know when you are losing it when you can’t remember if you washed your hair last night.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. During church on Sunday we were forced to witness an unfortunate incident that should never have happened involving some extremely uncontrollable children and who were most likely demonic. I know we all can’t be perfect and we all make mistakes, but this kind of behavior was totally uncalled for! I’m sure most Christians behave in church, but I can truly say not these children. I guess the parents of these spawns of Satan don’t live up to the same standards as us. Well, let me tell you what happened! Today we had some screamin’ meanies in church carrying on like they were possessed! These little so called darling’s wreaked havoc allllll over the church during our service and we couldn’t hear a thing. No siree! Now I know why lions eat their young! These little heathens were rantin’ and ravin’, running down the aisles, and they were even crawling under the pews and eating! YESssssss my friends, they were doing this in the house of the Lord and their mommy was totally oblivious to the whole situation! I was appalled! I’m sorry. Maybe I’m just old fashioned and maybe I don’t watch MTV, but isn’t a child supposed to behave in church? (snort) Well, Mrs. Rutherfordton was sitting in front of this raucous situation and tried her best to ignore the beasts. She finally couldn’t take it any more and said, "What are we doing here? What's all this noise?" and those little devils laughed and threw Cheerios at her! Dear me (fans herself), I thought they were going to have to bring out the smelling salts for Mrs. Rutherfordton.

Well, to snip this at the bud, next time I’m bringing my Red Ryder BB gun; the same one I shoot those pesky salesmen that come to my door with! That should put a stop to this nonsense! I’ll whip out my lever-action spring piston BB gun with a smoothbore barrel, adjustable iron sights, and a gravity feed magazine with a 650 BB capacity, capable of shooting at 350 feet per second with standard steel BBs, and pop those little heathens a good one! I’ll give them something to squeeeeeeeeal about! Then I’ll pop their mother just for good measure! Annie Oakley, eat your heart out!