And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. During church on Sunday we were forced to witness an unfortunate incident that should never have happened involving some extremely uncontrollable children and who were most likely demonic. I know we all can’t be perfect and we all make mistakes, but this kind of behavior was totally uncalled for! I’m sure most Christians behave in church, but I can truly say not these children. I guess the parents of these spawns of Satan don’t live up to the same standards as us. Well, let me tell you what happened! Today we had some screamin’ meanies in church carrying on like they were possessed! These little so called darling’s wreaked havoc allllll over the church during our service and we couldn’t hear a thing. No siree! Now I know why lions eat their young! These little heathens were rantin’ and ravin’, running down the aisles, and they were even crawling under the pews and eating! YESssssss my friends, they were doing this in the house of the Lord and their mommy was totally oblivious to the whole situation! I was appalled! I’m sorry. Maybe I’m just old fashioned and maybe I don’t watch MTV, but isn’t a child supposed to behave in church? (snort) Well, Mrs. Rutherfordton was sitting in front of this raucous situation and tried her best to ignore the beasts. She finally couldn’t take it any more and said, "What are we doing here? What's all this noise?" and those little devils laughed and threw Cheerios at her! Dear me (fans herself), I thought they were going to have to bring out the smelling salts for Mrs. Rutherfordton.

Well, to snip this at the bud, next time I’m bringing my Red Ryder BB gun; the same one I shoot those pesky salesmen that come to my door with! That should put a stop to this nonsense! I’ll whip out my lever-action spring piston BB gun with a smoothbore barrel, adjustable iron sights, and a gravity feed magazine with a 650 BB capacity, capable of shooting at 350 feet per second with standard steel BBs, and pop those little heathens a good one! I’ll give them something to squeeeeeeeeal about! Then I’ll pop their mother just for good measure! Annie Oakley, eat your heart out!