And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Perimenopause, or menopause transition, begins several years before menopause. It's the time when the ovaries gradually begin to make less estrogen. It usually starts in a woman's 40s, but can start in her 30s or even earlier. Symptoms include hot flashes, breast tenderness, worse premenstrual syndrome, lower sex drive, fatigue, irregular periods, va jay jay dryness; discomfort during sex, urine leakage, urinary urgency (an urgent need to urinate more frequently), mood swings, and trouble sleeping. Men think it’s no big deal, but I can tell you from experience, it is utter H-E double toothpicks! Well, isn’t this a news flash?

Grrrrrrrrrrrr. Well, let’s examine this medical calamity. Let’s see what we have got here, shall we? I get hot flashes so bad at night that I wake up dripping sweat, my breasts are so tender that I will only let my bra touch them, my periods are so heavy that I go through 8 Super Plus tampons in a day and half to change one in the middle of the night, I’m tired all the time because I have insomnia, when I sneeze or cough I sometimes pee a little, I get up to pee during the night at least four or five times, and of course my mood swings are legionary. Then to top it all off my va jay jay is dryer than the Mojave Desert! Sex is the farthest thing from my mind! The only treatment is hormones which has side effects. All the side effects are what people in my family have died of so I’m already prone to get whatever they had because of genetics. Taking hormones will only up my percentage even more. How conveeeenient!

So perimenopause is no big deal? Where do people get these wacky ideas? Where, oh where, oh where? Now, who could have told them that? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

The average length of perimenopause is 4 years, but for some women this stage may last only a few months or continue for 10 years. Ten years!!!!! I’ll be dead by then!

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. As you well know from my past experiences, I don’t like snakes. No, indeedy. I hate them in fact. I don’t even like to talk about them. Well, the other day, on my way out the door for my power walk I noticed a small, black wiggly thing on my front porch. I jumped and yelled and made quite a scene. As you can imagine, my reaction wasn’t something children should hear. After I scraped myself off of the ceiling, I ran inside and got my trusty broom. I know what you are thinking! Always thinking naughty thoughts in the morning aren’t we? Stop that! Alrighty, then. We can handle this. Anyhoooooo, I came out, and that demonic creature was still there so I wacked it a good one with my broom. I did it another time just for good measure to make sure it was deader than a doornail. I then bent over and took a good look at the awful thing and saw that it was earpiece thingy that fell off Hubby’s cell phone. Well, isn't that special?

Something tells me I should give up my power walks. They are hazardous to my health.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. After church, Hubby has gotten into the weird habit of going to McDonald’s for breakfast. I really don’t like eating breakfast there, but Hubby does. I guess he enjoys watching the homeless people coming in and digging into the trash can for a cup to get a free soda at the drink station. Anyhoooooo, I try to keep my aversion of McDonald’s to myself and let Hubby have his way. To fight my demonic urges to protest about this absurd place, I order a caramel frappe and suck on it like there was no tomorrow. Yes, indeedy!

Just the other day while I was sucking on my caramel frappe, I watched this liiiiiiiittle old man come into McDonald’s all by himself. I felt so sorry for him because he was all alone and probably didn’t talk to anyone all day. Being the charitable person that I am I wanted to ask the old man to join us for breakfast. Hubby said no. I wonder why?







It was probably because for some reason Hubby was passing gas like crazy. But the old man probably wouldn’t have minded.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. These past few months we have been a liiiiiiiittle buzy lately. Yes, siree! I am going on a river cruise from Nice to Paris. I’ve been on a large cruise ship twice before, but never a small river cruise ship. Only 48 passengers, no snotty nose kids (a teacher’s dream cruise if you ask me), Yes, indeedy!

We will start in Nice with its golden sands and opulent casinos, then explore France by river where we'll sail throughout the French countryside aboard a private French river cruiser—which offers a more intimate cruising experience. Along the way, we will discover the lovely landscapes and enchanting villages that inspired the great artists of the 19th and 20th centuries ... revel in picturesque scenery, like gently sloping hills and vineyards that sustain one of the greatest wine industries in the world ... visit ornate papal palaces, Gothic cathedrals, medieval fortifications, and ancient Roman ruins. Then we will cap off our explorations and marvel at the lights in Paris, the capital of romance.

Yes, it should be a trip of a lifetime, that’s for sure. Unfortunately, I will be going with my 78 year old mother, her brother (age 81) and his wife (age 78). I hope I can handle being with my mom 24/7. If you hear about an American jumping ship in France, you will know it was me.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Just the other day I was doing my power walk and minding my own business when I spotted this HUGE dog in my neighbor’s yard. This dog is known to be quite aggressive and is half German Shepherd and wolf. Yes, you read that right, wolf. Well, as you can imagine, I kept my distance and walked in the middle of the street making sure I didn’t provoke that demonic dog. Then it saw me and charged, barking like there was no tomorrow. Well, I said a little prayer so I would not do something in my pants and die in total disgrace. I then asked God to find it in his heart to release me from my awful situation. The Lord must have been listening because that dog was leashed and tied to something. What it was tied to, I have no idea, but it held and he reared up going absolutely berserk, right at the edge of the property, wanting to tear me into shreds. I of course screamed my bloody head off and the owner of the dog didn’t say a word. What an $#@&%!

Well, isn't that special? So as soon as I could get myself together, I went to my local Super Wal-Mart to the sporting goods section. Before I could even ask for help, the sales person asked me if I wanted pepper spray. I guess I still had that terrified look plastered on my face. Anyhoooooo, he said they have at least 3 people a day asking for pepper spray, but they didn’t carry it. I therefore hit the nearest red neck gun store and shopped for the best pepper spray available for dogs.

Sabre Red is one of the leading brands that manufacture pepper spray products. This particular model (Sabre Red Protector Dog Pepper Spray) is specifically designed for use on all types of aggressive dogs yet is a humane deterrent that only induces temporary pain.

The Sabre Red dog attack deterrent carries a rating of 1 % major capsaicinoids which is the maximum strength approved by the Enviromental Protection Agency (EPA). It sprays up to 15 feet and delivers approximately 8, 1-second bursts. At the suggested 15 foot maximum the spray is between two and three feet wide (shotgun effect) and very potent indeed. The stream delivery pattern means there is low risk of wind blow-back. Added features include an integrated safety lock to prevent accidental discharge and a belt clip so you can carry it with you while jogging or going for a walk. Sabre Red is reliable and is the #1 brand trusted by police worldwide. Pleased with the stats of the product, I bought one so I could walk confidently knowing I've done as much as I could to protect myself in an effective but humane way.

I can’t wait to stop that demonic dog with my pepper spray! Yes, indeedy! I also got a Taser at that red neck gun store to use on that $#@&% dog owner too!


(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I know you’re thinking that I’m never nice to Hubby, but you’re wrong. I can be nice to him, sometimes. Just the other day I was doing some yard work outside for Hubby. He was going to leave for work and I was going to help him a bit so he wouldn’t have to do it all when he got home. Anyhoooooooo, after I did my good deed, I went to the front door and found that it was locked. Hubby locked me out, AGAIN! Well, apparently someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

One winter years ago, I walked our son down to the bus stop for school and Hubby left for work. When I came back home, he had locked me out. To make a long story short, I then had to walk around the neighborhood and try to find someone home so I could call Hubby to get his butt home and let me in. Now a-days everyone is working and no one is home. You can only guess how happy I was while going from door to door, hoping that someone could help. Yes, that saying, “Stupid is, as stupid does” fits this scenario to a T.

Why does Hubby lock me out of the house? Why, oh why, oh why? Who told him to do that? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

Naw, he is just plain stupid. Stupid with a capital S.

Next time he goes out for a run, I’ll lock him out. Better yet, next time he puts something in the trashcan that is in the back yard in his underwear, I’ll lock him out.


(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I bet you are wondering where I’ve been. Well, I took a powder, a moderately loooooooooooooong one. Two years, six months, and ten days to be exact. Sorry about that. I promise I won’t go off the deep end again. Keep your fingers crossed!

Yes, I went A.W.O.L., but I needed the break. Being the Church Lady is rather hard to be sure. You are probably wondering what I’ve been up to. Recently, my son went off to a four year college and that has been quite an ordeal. Yes, indeedy! Here I was looking forward to having a great ‘ol time while my son was gone and of course all I could think about was all the dreadful things that could go wrong. Well, let’s look at this more closely, shall we? Hmmmmmmmm? Everything that can go wrong in college will go wrong. Murphy’s Law strikes again. Well, isn't that special?

Unfortunately, my son is just like his father. The nut doesn’t fall far from the tree. Lord, only knows what he could get into. My mind was reelin’ and I thought of the most awful things imaginable. Hubby said to not worry. (Puts hands over her ears.) Well, Hubby, I can’t hear youuuuuuuuuu!. What a bunch of crock!

So there I was. All my senses screamin’ to $#@% Hubby. Alrighty, then. We can handle this. I’ll just get me a Hugh Jackman DVD and a bottle of my favorite wine next time he says that. That will definitely help. Yes, siree!


(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. From time to time I receive letters from my dear friends. This one moved me so much that I had to share this with everyone.

Dear Church Lady,

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Well, as women we find this kind of behavior typical for men. For some reason when men get lost they will not ask for directions. Who told them to do that? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo) This scenario is seen time and time again and men never seem to learn from their mistakes. We women must accept the fact that men are a lost cause.

It's a man thing.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Everyone has a role model. A role model is someone who you look up to and try to be more like, someone worthy of imitation. It is a person who serves as a model in a particular behavioral or social role for another person to emulate.

So who is your role model?



Try this without looking at the answers to see who is your role model.

1) Pick your favorite number between 1 - 9 .

2) Multiply by 3.

3) Add 3, then again multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....).

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number...

5) Add the digits together.





Now with that number scroll down to see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:







1. Einstein

2. Nelson Mandela

3. Michael Jackson

4. Hillary Clinton

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. Brad Pitt

8. Hitler

9. The Church Lady

10. Barack Obama






I know ... I just have that effect on people ... one day you too can be like me ... :-) Believe it!

Stop picking different numbers!

NOW CHANGE YOUR NAME IN NO. 9 AND SEND IT ON!!

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Summer is almost over and you know what that means . . . Sunday School! Yes, the most dreaded time of the year for most Sunday School teachers is coming and we must be prepared for all those little heathens and spawns of Satan that come in droves into our classrooms.

Alrighty, then. We can handle this. Since I have been teaching Sunday School for years, I will plan accordingly and be ready for any imminent disturbance or discipline problem that could arise in my classroom. My plan has been thoroughly tested over the years and has NEVER let me down in any way what so ever.

I know you are waiting on pins and needles to know how I can handle a room full of satanic brats with utmost authority and be in total control over all situations. Yes, indeedy. Well, what I use is simple, to the point, and very effective. Anyone can use it and become an expert with it in no time and produce satisfactory results. So what is this wonderful behavior tool? To immediately stop any behavior problems that might creep up in my classroom I always bring my Red Ryder BB gun to Sunday School. It is always loaded and within easy reach so I can whip it out within a moment’s notice to help any student make good behavior choices. Not only can my Red Ryder BB gun be used to deter any disciplinary actions with the students, it can also be used on any parents who get out of line (for example: parents who are late picking up their children because they have been to Super Wal-Mart shopping, parents who use Sunday School as FREE babysitting, etc.).

I am looking forward to another year of teaching Sunday School. Something tells me this is going to be a fun filled educational year!

(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I love my cats, but they tend to have liiiiiiiittle “accidents” that Mamma doesn’t like. No, indeedy. Don’t you just hate it when you find land mines all over the floor? My oldest cat sometimes leaves a little poop here and there and guess who usually steps in it barefoot? Well, isn't that special? And then there is the cat vomit where you least expect it. And for some unknown reason they cannot vomit on the laminate floors that covers every room in the house, but run to an area rug and do it there. Where do these cats get these wacky ideas? Where, oh where, oh where? Now, who could be telling them to do such things? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

I read somewhere that cats tend to vomit or poop on things due to stress which can be caused by mental or physical trauma. I have also heard that they may vomit or poop on their master’s things when they are mad at them.

Today I found vomit on my computer chair. I wonder what I did this time?

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Has your dinner time become rather boring? Does it seem like no one wants to eat? Does your family avoid dinner like the plague and you are all alone at the dinner table? It sounds like dinner time is in a rut. Well, isn’t this a news flash? How to combat this colossal dilemma that most face seems rather daunting to be sure, but I am determined to conquer this unbeatable foe and make dinner successful. Yes, indeedy!

I therefore hit numerous recipe books and websites and found a winner! Taco Lasagna. Everyone loves Tex Mex and the recipe looked easy so I fixed it for my wonderful family. I called my family to the table for dinner and presented the Taco Lasagna with absolute flourish. All I got from said family was, “What in the $%@* is this?” Something told me that my family was a liiiiiiiittle reluctant to try my new recipe so I took matters into my own hands, literally. I pulled out my trusty Red Ryder BB gun and cocked it. For some inexplicable reason my family wolfed down a serving and begged for more.







Moral to this story . . . always serve dinner with an appetizer.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. As you well know, hubby is the HOA president of our liiiiiiiittle subdivision. Being the president his responsibilities include presiding at all meetings of the Board of Directors, making sure that orders and resolutions of the Board are carried out, co-signing all checks, and making sure everyone is abiding by the Declaration. We recently had a property inspection and hubby had to notify the offenders that they were in violation of the Declaration and that they must correct these infractions within 30 days. Who told these homeowners they could neglect their homes and property making the whole neighborhood look bad and bring down property values in our subdivision? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo) When the homeowners bought their homes they signed the appropriate papers that they agreed to comply with the Declaration. Their homes are the biggest investments they will ever make and wouldn’t you think it prudent for them to preserve its value and maintain their property to protect their investment? It seems ridiculous that these homeowners have to be told to fix their homes and properties. You can just imagine the backlash we receive from hubby having this position. Anyhoooooooo hubby notified a few of these deadbeat homeowners via email and they didn’t like it one bit. In retaliation hubby received nasty emails and hence I won’t answer the phone or door.

Yes, this is ludicrous, but it seems to be the norm for these lazy and obnoxious homeowners. Just the other day, someone was banging on our door and of course I didn’t answer it. I peeked out the kitchen window and saw a car that I did not recognize so I ignored the repeated knocking on the door which then was replaced by them ringing my doorbell. I still ignored the offending racket then I heard the person open our storm door and turn our doorknob trying to open our front door. Well, as you can imagine that scared the $#@% out of me and I practically jumped out of my skin. The person left in a huff and drove off and I finally let out a breath of relief.

Five minutes later I was heading out of the door for my power walk and tried to forget the whole incident. Wouldn’t you know it; lo and behold I found the car in our neighborhood that was at my house just minutes before in a neighbor’s driveway.

So there we are. All my senses screamin’ “GET THE RED RYDER BB GUN AND KNOCK ON THEIR DOOR!!!” But something told me that it wouldn’t be enough retaliation to their terrible deed.

Alrighty, then. We can handle this. Late tonight I shall get some grass killer and come back to the nasty neighbor’s house. I will then let him know what a complete #$%@& he is by writing it in his yard.

Just thinking about this makes me tingly all over.

(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I recently went to San Antonio with hubby and stayed in this ritzy Marriot right on the River Walk.

Since hubby travels extensively he is an elite member at Marriott and they gave him a HUGE room. It was el grande in size for sure (1,000 square feet or more). So much so that you had to leave a bread crumb trail so you could find your way back to the door. Our Vice Presidential Suite had a bedroom, walk-in closet, vanity area with a sink, separate shower and tub with double sinks, bar, dining room, family room, lounge area, large foyer with coat closet and powder room, etc. I counted 5 sinks, yes, you read that right. Why someone would need 5 sinks was beyond me.

In the concierge lounge you had (all FREE) a full hot breakfast, and later hors d'oeuvres, and in the evening dessert.

Needless to say, I was ready to move in and never leave.

Anyhooo, I ate and drank my way from one end of the famous River Walk to the other. The food was superb and yes, I brought my trusty “fat pants” so I could enjoy San Antonio’s BB Q, steaks, Tex Mex, and margaritas to the max.

I must say that San Antonio has very aggressive homeless people who walk right up and accost you all the time trying to get money from you. Well, isn't that special? So there I was, trying to enjoy my vacation and all my senses were screamin’ “BRING THE RED RYDER BB GUN NEXT TIME!!!” so I could keep these pesky schizophrenics at bay.

They must have thought I was easy prey, but I think my “BITE ME” t-shirt got the message across to these Looney Tunes to leave me the heck alone. I think giving them the finger added that special touch to the annoying predicament that visitors should not have to endure at this delightful place.

(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)