And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Who has allergies? Come on, raise your hand and be counted. I know there are others out there who suffer from this outrageous infliction that wreaks havoc on their daily life. I know some of your scoff at this, thinking that it’s no biggie, but it IS a major problem that many of us suffer through day in and day out.

My allergies have steadily gotten worse over the years. Sometimes I feel that Satan has gotten the upper hand on this and enjoys making me feel like a Mac truck has driven over me and look like I’m from the depths of hell. To top if off, it also effects my behavior, making me lash out and the most trivial thing imaginable which is NOT like my normal sunny disposition that we are all used to. Stop that! I hear you snickering and I don’t like it one bit! No siree! Some of you think I’m an absolute nut and I am most certainly not!

Where do people get these wacky ideas? Where, oh where, oh where? Now, who could be the instigator of such trash? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo).

Some of you think I’m a Babbling Church Nut that totes a Red Ryder BB gun and shoots it without remorse. Well, isn't that special? You little Satan worshipers better watch out because I’m on the loose and I’ll find each and every one of you and let ya have it right where it counts! Yes, indeedy!

Alrighty, then. I think we all feel better now. I think you can tell that my allergies are really bad today and I’m not a “happy camper”. Well, isn’t this a news flash?

Just ask my hubby. He will tell you that I’ve been rather crabby lately. Yes, siree! This will probably explain why he has been constantly picking little BBs out of his backside lately.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Not too long ago my father who has had a stroke fell between his toilet and the wall and got stuck. He is 82 years old and when he falls he cannot get up and this time he was stuck between a hard place (the wall) and the toilet. My mother who is 75 was unable to get him out of his predicament. She therefore had to run down the street to try to find someone to help her. Well, she could not find anyone so she had to call 911. Well, isn't that special? Anyhooooo, the firemen came and they got him out toot sweet. When my mother told me about this incident I couldn’t believe that someone could actually fall and get stuck between the toilet and the wall. Needless to say, the Rescue Squad says this happens a lot. This sure puts a whole new meaning to “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”.

Well, I forgot about this until the other day. Sunday School was over and everyone was gone. I was in the church restroom and I just finished my business and flushed the toilet. I turned and suddenly I fell hard and almost knocked the wind out of me. Unfortunately I found myself stuck between the wall and the toilet and I couldn’t get up. At least I was wearing slacks and I had zipped myself up before I fell. Anyhooooooooo, all I could think of was how I was going to get unstuck. Everyone had already left and there I was stuck between the wall and the toilet. What was I going to do? Was I going to die here and in the local newspaper it would say:

Alrighty, then. We can handle this. Well, I said a little prayer so I would not die in total disgrace and asked God to find it in his heart to release me from my awful situation. I therefore made one more final attempt to dislodge myself from my humiliating predicament. I squirmed and wiggled and lo and behold, I escaped my embarrassing imprisonment and fled the scene without a second glance.

I came home and told Hubby about my liiiiiiiittle experience and of course he thought it was hilarious and immediately got on his cell phone and told most of his relatives.

Something tells me he is going to find something disgusting in his dinner tonight.

(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Church Lady: Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Recently Rebecca was walking her children to school and was accosted by a nut who wanted her to drop what she was doing and help her catch her dog. Since Rebecca has a child who is extremely scared of dogs told the lady that she could not help. The lady did not like that one bit and did something which was totally uncalled for, made a face and flipped her hand at Rebecca which was something like giving her the finger. Where do people get these wacky ideas? Where oh, where? Who could have told her to do such a stupid and deplorable thing? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

Church Lady: Alrighty and now, speaking about potty mouth women, let's welcome my first guest, none other than overzealous nut Mrs. Millbrook, the lady that wanted Rebecca to help her catch her puppy.

[Mrs. Millbrook sits on the couch next to the Church Lady.]

Church Lady: Welcome, Mrs. Millbrook.

Mrs. Millbrook: Well, thank you for having me here, Church Lady, it'll give me a chance to share with you this unfortunate incident that almost got my puppy killed.

Church Lady: Well, let's recap what happened, shall we? Let's see . . . you lost your puppy and you wanted Rebecca who was walking her children to school to help you find it. Correct?

Mrs. Millbrook: Yes, and she refused to help me! Can you believe that! My poor puppy could have gotten run over by a car!

Church Lady: Well, isn't that special? That was a nice little speech, we all have a tear in our eye, don't we? Well, you failed to see that Rebecca’s children could have gotten run over by a car if she helped you find your puppy. Also, some people are quite afraid of dogs and cannot be anywhere near them. Did you think of that, Mrs. Millbrook? Hmmmmmmmmmmm? Plus you did something offensive to Rebecca in front of her little children. Was that justifiable?

Mrs. Millbrook: I was, uh, provoked.

Church Lady: Mmm-hmm. And did that little temper get us here, Mrs. Millbrook?

Mrs. Millbrook: I may have a temper, but Rebecca could have helped me find my puppy.

Church Lady: Ohhhh . . . so we just do fowl things anytime we feel like it, hmmmmm? Have we ever heard "Turn the other cheek"?

Mrs. Millbrook: Alright, look! I did not come here to be insulted!

Church Lady: And you totally forget that you insulted Rebecca in front of her children.

Mrs. Millbrook: Look, I'm warning you, Church Lady!

Church Lady: Oh, what a treat. We're getting to see some of that famous temper, aren't we? And the cameras are here to catch it - how conveeeeenient!

Mrs. Millbrook: Listen, you'd better f****** lay off of me!

Church Lady: Apparently some of us have to use the F word to be funny. Well isn’t that special? Well, it looks like it makes you feel a liiiiiiiiiiitle bit superior.

[Mrs. Millbrook stands up and huffs off the stage.]

Church Lady: Well, that just goes to show you she has no interest in apologizing to Rebecca. Mrs. Millbrook thinks she can do no wrong and she is better than anyone else. But we all know better, don’t we?

[Church Lady stands up and does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.]

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Recently we had our meeting with the Sheriff Department to address the suspicious activity we have been having in our liiiiiiiittle community.

I was just waiting for some lunatic to start rantin’ and ravin’ like mad causing a ruckus making the Sheriff whip out a Taser and shock the idiot a good one. Since the Sheriff is used to dealing with nuts cases he could calm any offending person down toot sweet so we could continue on with our meeting. Alas, we had no “entertainment” and the meeting was conducted with utmost decorum.

Let me just say the meeting was very informative and I know everyone learned a great deal. It is amazing what we as neighbors can do to keep the crime out of our neighborhood. All I can say is look out thugs! We are educated and ready to rumble!

Now we are all armed with knowledge of how to be more safe and secure at home and within our liiiiiiiittle community. We plan on being more diligent in noticing suspicious activity and notifying the Sheriff with any information so they can help stop crime. We also plan to start a Neighborhood Watch Program to keep these hoodlums at bay and get our neighborhood back. I am looking forward to the weeks ahead as we forge together to make our neighborhood safe and secure.


(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. As you know I had Hubby install motion detector spotlights that will turn on automatically when something or someone moves within the vicinity of the exterior of our home. Well, I didn’t know that my back yard was the place for all sorts of critters from far and wide to congregate. This information was not available to me prior to installing the motion detector spotlights and those stupid things turn on and usually stay on all night due to the influx of nocturnal animals that like to have a free for all in my back yard. On one auspicious night we had 3 deer, a possium, a raccoon, a fox, and even some rabbits up the ying yang. Who told these animals to come in my back yard and make the motion detector spot lights come on? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

Well, let’s look at this more closely, shall we? Hmmmmmmmm? The motion detector spot lights were installed for one reason only. They are to flood the exterior of my home with light at the slightest detection of movement that will send a clear message to would-be-thieves that this house is protected. It is not for critters to make the spot lights go on and then I think there is a thug traipsing around in my back yard trying to break into my house. Since Hubby is traveling all the time this light show in my back yard constantly wakes me up in such a fright that it takes one heck of a long time for me to calm down and go back to sleep. Well, isn't that special?




I can just hear Hubby snickering when I tell him about this. I know he will think this is a hoot. Well, when he comes back from travel and those darn spot lights come on, I’ll make him go to the window and see what’s going on. I bet he’ll get tired of it real quick after he is woken up a few times by these pesky animals.

(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Guess who came to my house today? The Sheriff. Well, isn’t this a news flash? I bet all my neighbors are wondering what I or someone in my family did to have the Sheriff come to our door. Where do people get these wacky ideas? Where, oh where, oh where? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

We have had more incidents of suspicious activity in our community so Hubby contacted the big man himself. Anyhooooooo, since hubby is always on travel with work, the Sheriff came to talk with me. Yes, indeedy! He came in a plain wrapper (undercover car) and wore his Sheriff uniform with all the trimmings (gun, radio, and whatnot). He was very concerned about what was going on in our subdivision and wants to stop it before it escalates. He told me to contact the Patrol Commander to set up a meeting for all the residents in our neighborhood. I therefore contacted him and we have set up a date and time to have the meeting which will consist of: Trends in Crime, Suggestions & Tips, Questions & Answers, etc.

I have made flyers and sent out emails to let everyone know about it. This should be a very exciting and informative meeting that I hope everyone will enjoy.

The Sheriff also told me about this liiiiiiiittle website that is a must for everyone to visit. CrimeReports.com is the most comprehensive crime mapping website in the world where you can access official crime rate in your neighborhood and sign up for free email alerts. I can just see me spending hours on this site finding out what is going on in my neighborhood and all over the world.

I am really looking forward to this meeting with the Sheriff Department. I just hope this doesn’t entice the hoodlums to have a free-for-all in our community while we are at the meeting. I better hide the liquor and my butter rum lifesavers just to be on the safe side.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. As you know we are having “problems” within our liiiiiiiittle community with various car break-ins and hoodlums traipsing through our neighborhood trying to find an unlocked door in someone’s unsuspecting home. Just the other night one homeowner came home at 10 PM and saw two thugs in the bed of his neighbor’s truck trying to break in it. The Good Samaritan’s headlights caught the ruffians in the act and they scampered away like roaches do when you turn on the lights without incidence. So we didn’t get caught stealing, how conveeeenient! Well, I'm gonna have to say a little prayer against them for that one, okay? (Whispers her prayer.) Well, I hope someone's beginning to feel a prickly sensation in their backside. 

I know what you are thinking, this could happen anywhere, but this kind of behavior is not the norm for our neighborhood. No, indeedy. I keep thinking of the little girl down the street who was watching the new Muffets DVD on TV one night in her family room. Her parents were upstairs (Lord, only knows what they were doing) and some fiend turned the doorknob on the door right beside her that goes outside. You can imagine how scared this tike was! I bet to this day Kermit the Frog gives her nightmares.

Anyhooooooo, I have been pestering hubby to install motion detector spotlights in the back yard. We presently have motion detector carriage lights in the front of the house on either side of the garage plus Malibu Lights all up the front walk which are so bright that it looks like an airport runway. I think motion detector spotlights in the back yard will add extra safety and security and make me feel a whole lot better. These will turn on automatically when something or someone moves within the vicinity of the exterior of my home. This means if an intruder is nearby, their movement will likely prompt a security light to turn on, which leaves the intruder exposed. GOTCHA!!!!

Hubby of course was not “keen” on the idea. I don’t know why he is so against them. They can’t be that hard to install. He thinks they will help the burglars see what they are doing while breaking into our home. To this I say “BITE ME!” Security lights are very cost effective and a great addition to any home security system. They flood the exterior of your home with light at the slightest detection of movement and will send a clear message to would-be-thieves that this house is protected. Yes, siree!

Well, Hubby got tired of my persistent nagging and finally installed the motion detector spotlights. It says on the box that it will only take a few minutes to install, but of course hubby took allllllllllllll afternoon and then some making us have supper late. He fiddled with them for hours during the night turning them on and off, on and off until 11:30 PM. It was like a disco light show and I bet the neighbors thought we were having one grand time over here.

Now, how can I persuade Hubby to get us a home security system? I can just hear his objections, but I don’t care. I think we need one ASAP! I sometimes think that Hubby doesn’t want to hear anyone else’s opinion, but his own. (Puts hands over her ears.) Well, Hubby, I can’t hear youuuuuuuuuu!. Alrighty, I think I feel better now.

Alrighty, then. We can handle this. I found some online that I can buy and install myself while he is away at work. Well, isn't that special?


(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)