And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Just the other day I was doing my power walk and minding my own business when I spotted this HUGE dog in my neighbor’s yard. This dog is known to be quite aggressive and is half German Shepherd and wolf. Yes, you read that right, wolf. Well, as you can imagine, I kept my distance and walked in the middle of the street making sure I didn’t provoke that demonic dog. Then it saw me and charged, barking like there was no tomorrow. Well, I said a little prayer so I would not do something in my pants and die in total disgrace. I then asked God to find it in his heart to release me from my awful situation. The Lord must have been listening because that dog was leashed and tied to something. What it was tied to, I have no idea, but it held and he reared up going absolutely berserk, right at the edge of the property, wanting to tear me into shreds. I of course screamed my bloody head off and the owner of the dog didn’t say a word. What an $#@&%!

Well, isn't that special? So as soon as I could get myself together, I went to my local Super Wal-Mart to the sporting goods section. Before I could even ask for help, the sales person asked me if I wanted pepper spray. I guess I still had that terrified look plastered on my face. Anyhoooooo, he said they have at least 3 people a day asking for pepper spray, but they didn’t carry it. I therefore hit the nearest red neck gun store and shopped for the best pepper spray available for dogs.

Sabre Red is one of the leading brands that manufacture pepper spray products. This particular model (Sabre Red Protector Dog Pepper Spray) is specifically designed for use on all types of aggressive dogs yet is a humane deterrent that only induces temporary pain.

The Sabre Red dog attack deterrent carries a rating of 1 % major capsaicinoids which is the maximum strength approved by the Enviromental Protection Agency (EPA). It sprays up to 15 feet and delivers approximately 8, 1-second bursts. At the suggested 15 foot maximum the spray is between two and three feet wide (shotgun effect) and very potent indeed. The stream delivery pattern means there is low risk of wind blow-back. Added features include an integrated safety lock to prevent accidental discharge and a belt clip so you can carry it with you while jogging or going for a walk. Sabre Red is reliable and is the #1 brand trusted by police worldwide. Pleased with the stats of the product, I bought one so I could walk confidently knowing I've done as much as I could to protect myself in an effective but humane way.

I can’t wait to stop that demonic dog with my pepper spray! Yes, indeedy! I also got a Taser at that red neck gun store to use on that $#@&% dog owner too!


(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I know you’re thinking that I’m never nice to Hubby, but you’re wrong. I can be nice to him, sometimes. Just the other day I was doing some yard work outside for Hubby. He was going to leave for work and I was going to help him a bit so he wouldn’t have to do it all when he got home. Anyhoooooooo, after I did my good deed, I went to the front door and found that it was locked. Hubby locked me out, AGAIN! Well, apparently someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

One winter years ago, I walked our son down to the bus stop for school and Hubby left for work. When I came back home, he had locked me out. To make a long story short, I then had to walk around the neighborhood and try to find someone home so I could call Hubby to get his butt home and let me in. Now a-days everyone is working and no one is home. You can only guess how happy I was while going from door to door, hoping that someone could help. Yes, that saying, “Stupid is, as stupid does” fits this scenario to a T.

Why does Hubby lock me out of the house? Why, oh why, oh why? Who told him to do that? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

Naw, he is just plain stupid. Stupid with a capital S.

Next time he goes out for a run, I’ll lock him out. Better yet, next time he puts something in the trashcan that is in the back yard in his underwear, I’ll lock him out.


(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I bet you are wondering where I’ve been. Well, I took a powder, a moderately loooooooooooooong one. Two years, six months, and ten days to be exact. Sorry about that. I promise I won’t go off the deep end again. Keep your fingers crossed!

Yes, I went A.W.O.L., but I needed the break. Being the Church Lady is rather hard to be sure. You are probably wondering what I’ve been up to. Recently, my son went off to a four year college and that has been quite an ordeal. Yes, indeedy! Here I was looking forward to having a great ‘ol time while my son was gone and of course all I could think about was all the dreadful things that could go wrong. Well, let’s look at this more closely, shall we? Hmmmmmmmm? Everything that can go wrong in college will go wrong. Murphy’s Law strikes again. Well, isn't that special?

Unfortunately, my son is just like his father. The nut doesn’t fall far from the tree. Lord, only knows what he could get into. My mind was reelin’ and I thought of the most awful things imaginable. Hubby said to not worry. (Puts hands over her ears.) Well, Hubby, I can’t hear youuuuuuuuuu!. What a bunch of crock!

So there I was. All my senses screamin’ to $#@% Hubby. Alrighty, then. We can handle this. I’ll just get me a Hugh Jackman DVD and a bottle of my favorite wine next time he says that. That will definitely help. Yes, siree!


(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. From time to time I receive letters from my dear friends. This one moved me so much that I had to share this with everyone.

Dear Church Lady,

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Well, as women we find this kind of behavior typical for men. For some reason when men get lost they will not ask for directions. Who told them to do that? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo) This scenario is seen time and time again and men never seem to learn from their mistakes. We women must accept the fact that men are a lost cause.

It's a man thing.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Everyone has a role model. A role model is someone who you look up to and try to be more like, someone worthy of imitation. It is a person who serves as a model in a particular behavioral or social role for another person to emulate.

So who is your role model?



Try this without looking at the answers to see who is your role model.

1) Pick your favorite number between 1 - 9 .

2) Multiply by 3.

3) Add 3, then again multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....).

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number...

5) Add the digits together.





Now with that number scroll down to see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:







1. Einstein

2. Nelson Mandela

3. Michael Jackson

4. Hillary Clinton

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. Brad Pitt

8. Hitler

9. The Church Lady

10. Barack Obama






I know ... I just have that effect on people ... one day you too can be like me ... :-) Believe it!

Stop picking different numbers!

NOW CHANGE YOUR NAME IN NO. 9 AND SEND IT ON!!

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Summer is almost over and you know what that means . . . Sunday School! Yes, the most dreaded time of the year for most Sunday School teachers is coming and we must be prepared for all those little heathens and spawns of Satan that come in droves into our classrooms.

Alrighty, then. We can handle this. Since I have been teaching Sunday School for years, I will plan accordingly and be ready for any imminent disturbance or discipline problem that could arise in my classroom. My plan has been thoroughly tested over the years and has NEVER let me down in any way what so ever.

I know you are waiting on pins and needles to know how I can handle a room full of satanic brats with utmost authority and be in total control over all situations. Yes, indeedy. Well, what I use is simple, to the point, and very effective. Anyone can use it and become an expert with it in no time and produce satisfactory results. So what is this wonderful behavior tool? To immediately stop any behavior problems that might creep up in my classroom I always bring my Red Ryder BB gun to Sunday School. It is always loaded and within easy reach so I can whip it out within a moment’s notice to help any student make good behavior choices. Not only can my Red Ryder BB gun be used to deter any disciplinary actions with the students, it can also be used on any parents who get out of line (for example: parents who are late picking up their children because they have been to Super Wal-Mart shopping, parents who use Sunday School as FREE babysitting, etc.).

I am looking forward to another year of teaching Sunday School. Something tells me this is going to be a fun filled educational year!

(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I love my cats, but they tend to have liiiiiiiittle “accidents” that Mamma doesn’t like. No, indeedy. Don’t you just hate it when you find land mines all over the floor? My oldest cat sometimes leaves a little poop here and there and guess who usually steps in it barefoot? Well, isn't that special? And then there is the cat vomit where you least expect it. And for some unknown reason they cannot vomit on the laminate floors that covers every room in the house, but run to an area rug and do it there. Where do these cats get these wacky ideas? Where, oh where, oh where? Now, who could be telling them to do such things? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

I read somewhere that cats tend to vomit or poop on things due to stress which can be caused by mental or physical trauma. I have also heard that they may vomit or poop on their master’s things when they are mad at them.

Today I found vomit on my computer chair. I wonder what I did this time?