And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Don’t you just love to travel? I sure do and I have been doing a lot of it lately. Yes, indeedy. I went to Las Vegas (A.K.A. Sin City) in May, Munich Germany in June, and I plan on going to San Antonio in July, Florida in August, and San Diego in October. As you can guess, all that traveling can make your head spin. Needless to say, it is fun and very educational, especially when traveling in foreign countries where you have to speak a different language and eat food you don’t necessarily eat. Case in point, in Munich we had lots of their local cuisine and one night we had beef knuckle. You read that right. We had this HUGE 22 kilo (48.5 pounds) beef knuckle that looked like something that you would get off of a dinosaur. Our dinner party consisted of 6 people and those Germans must have thought we hadn’t eaten in years because we ate that beef knuckle, two different kinds of salads, potato dumplings, sauerkraut, bread, HUGE pretzels, etc. in record time. We washed that down with German beer and then had two scoops of ice cream.

On our visit to Germany we continued to sample beer at various beer halls and ate our way to oblivion. I must have over done it because I could only fit in my “fat pants”, but that didn’t seem to slow me down one bit. No, indeedy! I was on vacation and I was @#$% well going to enjoy it!





Next stop, San Antonio! It is famous for steaks, barbeque, Tex Mex, and frozen margaritas. Something tells me that I better make sure I pack my “fat pants” again so I can enjoy San Antonio to the max.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I have come to find out that some people actually LIKE plastic flowers in their yard. Well, isn’t this a news flash? Are they out of their minds? I am appalled at this revelation! Why, oh why, oh why would someone put plastic flowers in their yards?

Case in point, we have this homeowner in our community, who shall remain nameless, who likes to stick plastic flowers in hanging baskets and flower beds all over their front yard for everyone to see! They are the cheap kind and it looks horrendous! They clash with the real plants and they leave them out all year around and it really looks stupid when it snows! Where do people get these wacky ideas? Where, oh where, oh where? Now, who could it be? Could it be ... SATAN? (haunting echo)

Let’s all just settle down here, shall we? I have an answer to this dilemma. Let’s just snip this problem to the bud and get rid of these pesky plastic flowers once and for all! One night while I’m riding in the Neighborhood Watch Patrol Vehicle I’ll make sure I stop at the offending site.

I’ll have my partner cover me with the Browning .50 caliber M2 machine gun while I remove every one of those *%#@ plastic flowers. Later I shall burn them in my back yard fire pit and make smores.

(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of this terrible behavior that we have to witness day in and day out. I know you are too and after careful study I found that Behavior Charts can help and they are the answer to our problems! Yes, indeedy!

According to most behaviorists and psychologists worldwide, Behavior Charts help the child get over the hump of extinguishing undesirable behavior. This “shaping” provides the child with cues and positive reinforcements that direct them toward desirable behavior. Well, I for one think husbands as well as children could benefit from Behavior Charts. My husband has several undesirable behaviors that I would like to extinguished toot sweet!

I therefore came up with a Behavior Chart for Hubby to help direct him toward desirable behavior.


1- Help wife do something with a pleasing attitude.

2- Complete the “Honey Do List”.

3- Spend quality time with wife (that does not mean time in the bedroom).

4- Keep hands away from your private parts when around wife or in public.

5- Rinse off your dirty dishes and put into the dishwasher.

6- Stop waking up your wife with excessive flopping around in bed.


I thought the behaviors were attainable and worthy so I presented the Behavior Chart to Hubby. I showed Hubby his Behavior Chart and it wasn’t received well at all. As for rewards for achieving good behavior, he of course wanted to designate what rewards he would receive for doing well. He informed me what his rewards would be and I did not like his suggestions one bit because they were totally unreasonable and nonnegotiable. I bet you can just guess what they were and I wasn’t going to do it. No siree! Hubby then told me that the Behavior Chart was therefore unachievable and not worthy of pursuing.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

As you well know, there have been some suspicious incidents within our community. These heinous offenses have wreaked havoc within our liiiiiiiittle community and many are quite scared and angry about what is going on. We therefore took matters into our own hands and organized a Neighborhood Watch Program to combat the increase in crime in our community. At our first meeting everyone expressed their concerns and then we got right down to business. First, we discussed what needs to be done to keep these pesky thieves out of our neighborhood. Second, we established the geographical areas of our Neighborhood Watch and determined the perimeters of surveillance. Next, the patrol teams and schedules were set up. We also posted signs throughout the neighborhood letting the would-be thieves know we mean business. Pleased with our accomplishments we then had refreshments and posed for a group picture.

I think our new Neighborhood Watch Program shall be quite successful in ridding our neighborhood of unsavory people. Don’t you agree?

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. As you well know there have been some suspicious activities within our liiiiiiiittle community. To combat this I had Hubby install motion detector spot lights in our back yard. They flood the exterior of our home with light at the slightest detection of movement and will send a clear message to would-be-thieves that our house is protected. Yes, siree! Well, I also have been pestering Hubby to have a security system installed in our home. I think we need one, but he of course doesn’t.

Anyhooooooooo, one auspicious afternoon, a large package arrived. In it was a security system that I had nagged the livin’ daylights out of Hubby to procure. Elated with the prospect of being more safe and secure I had Hubby install it. It is wireless, cellular, and customizable and I am very happy with what he ordered.

It was so much fun testing each and every item. I really looooooooooove the wireless 105 dB siren that no thief in his right mind would stick around after that thing goes off. It reminds me of those semi-truck air horns. I also like the keychain remote where you can arm and disarm your system when you are within 100 feet of your Base Station. The keychain also has a panic button that you can instantly trigger the alarm and the monitoring center will then call you to check if you're okay. If you don't answer your phone, or if you answer but don't give your "safe word" they will alert the police that you're in danger. I also have a hidden panic button in my bedroom just in case I need it.

Yes, indeedy! I am one happy camper! It just goes to show you that good things come to people who nag.

(Church Lady does her “Superior Dance” as she struts to organ music.)

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Does your community have a Neighborhood Watch Program? If you have suspicious activity going on it might be a good idea to form one. It’s easy and a MUST for any community who wants to take charge and get crime out of their neighborhood toot-sweet!

An effective tool for some Neighborhood Watch programs is to use is a citizen patrol. Citizen patrols are volunteers who walk or drive an area on a regular basis to report incidents and problems to the police and provide a visible presence that deters criminal activity. A citizen patrol can cover your entire neighborhood and can contact the police dispatcher through two-way radios or cellular phones (whichever you prefer). Cameras or video equipment can also be used to record suspicious activity.

Our Neighborhood Watch Program is coming along nicely. We went door-to-door to recruit members and got everyone involved; young and old, single and married, renter and homeowner. We will plan accordingly and we will establish a well-organized Neighbor Watch Program that any community would be proud of. Our first meeting will be soon and I can’t wait to make our neighborhood safer and improve our quality of life.

I hope that our Neighborhood Watch will be equipped with a Patrol Vehicle and also have people patrolling on foot throughout the community. As you can just imagine this can be rather dangerous, but I found a nice liiiiiiiittle tool that is a must for any Neighborhood Watch.













I already ordered mine and I know I will be the envy of everyone in our Neighborhood Watch Program.

And now it's time for Church Chat . . .

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is ‘Church Chat’. Have you ever wondered why your husband enjoys doing things that drives you crazy even though you have asked him, time and time again not to do it?

One morning hubby must have had a bug his butt or something and was rather irritating, in other words doing the stuff I hate and he seemed to enjoy doing them to no end. Of course I ranted and raved and threw a royal tizzy fit telling him to please stop, but he still continued to tease me unmercifully with his relentless demented behavior. What does he do you ask? Well, he keeps leaving lights on when he leaves the room, making a mess and not cleaning it up, ignoring my loud requests to cease this infernal crap NOW and this was happening even before I took our son to the bus stop at 7:20 am! I don’t know if it was intentional or not, but I wanted him to stop immediately.

When I came back from the bus stop I confronted hubby. “Could you please try harder?”

No response.

“Do you even know what that means?” I ask with the determination to get an answer from the obstinate, pigheaded fool who for some asinine reason I married years ago.

Without missing a beat he replies, "Try so you won't b*tch so much."

Yes, it is a loss cause . . .